Ladies and Gentlemen, it is your turn to engineer the legal framework of our country. Is there a law that should be enacted? A social rule that would improve life in general? Is there something missing from our current legal code that must be addressed? Should the producers of atrocious movies like Kangaroo Jack be strung up by their testicles and hung from the giant letters of the Hollywood sign in L.A. like ornaments on a Christmas tree? Should greedy baseball players who strike in hopes of leveraging more millions from the nation’s fans be given forced sex changes and pimped out on the streets of Mexico City where they must polish knobs for five pesos a pop? Should fat girls who wear tiny tank tops that expose their unsightly jelly-roll love handles be imprisoned and sentenced to multiple years on the Stairmaster? Send me your new rules and if they are good enough, raw enough, or just plain sick enough, I will add them to the master list displayed here. Upon completion of our new legal and moral code, I will take it directly to Bush and demand its implementation.

Any rule posted below that was submitted by to me by someone else is credited to them. Those which have not been credited were written by the bastard himself.

We abolish the prison system, and in its place hold gladitorial games. We've been pampering our prisoners for too long, spending upwards of $30,000 a year per inmate on these assholes! Cable TV and Internet access? What the fuck!? By holding gladitorial games, we'll not only save on sustaining these criminal assholes, we could actually MAKE money by selling tickets! A spear through the chest is also a great anti-crime ad; Scruff McGruff just isn't cutting it anymore. Maybe the new Scruff McGruff would be a lion, because when he takes a bite out of crime now it'll scream and bleed. Submitted by superslacker

Submitted 7/27/05

I propose that part of the national budget be dedicated to forming a Department of Jackass Eradication, to eradicate all hippies, emo kids, and gangster wanna-bes. anyone caught wearing tye-dye shirts, any man wearing jewelry, and any dumbass who has to pull his pants up every 2 seconds will receive a swift kick to the nuts, and afterwards will have his eyeballs gouged out with rusty spoons and fed to piranhas. Submitted by Phil G

Submitted 7/27/05

	Any dumbass who applauds after a film or movie will be force fed pineapples through their asses until they burst. Which end of the pineapple that goes in first is decided in a game of heads or tails. Their remains will then be sold to Hollywood for shitty movie props. Submitted by Tim Carey.
	Submitted 7/27/05

I think that every time one of those shitty reality shows on MTV is thankfully over, they should take the whole cast and everyone involved in putting it on tv, and everyone who watched it while we're at it. We put them all on an deserted island. Then we should take 300 badgers, starve them for several days, get them high on angel dust and then drop them on the island. We put cameras all around the island and splice all the footage together when its over. Call it 'No Survivors' or 'Damnation Island' and put it on MTV as a warning for the next time anyone wants to make another reality show. Repeat this as nescesary until they all end. If anyone survives and manages to kill all the badgers, you take that person or persons and put them up on a pedistal, and shoot them in the face, repeat if nescesary. Submitted by suzaku habiki

Submitted 7/27/05

Any tough-guy who wear his collar turned up like some B-grade 80’s movie private investigator shall be karate chopped twenty five times in the throat. After that a corkscrew will be rammed into their dickhole so that their manhood can be violently removed. To help them take their mind off of the pain they will have their asses violated by a freak dominatrix with a sandpaper dildo… sans lube. Submitted by WXmanIX

Submitted 1/27/05

We abolish the prison system, and in its place hold gladitorial games. We've been pampering our prisoners for too long, spending upwards of $30,000 a year per inmate on these assholes! Cable TV and Internet access? What the fuck!? By holding gladitorial games, we'll not only save on sustaining these criminal assholes, we could actually MAKE money by selling tickets! A spear through the chest is also a great anti-crime ad; Scruff McGruff just isn't cutting it anymore. Maybe the new Scruff McGruff would be a lion, because when he takes a bite out of crime now it'll scream and bleed. Submitted by superslacker

Submitted 1/27/05

Any fatass dickweed commie that makes shitty propaganda documentaries about America (Michael Moore) will be shipped to a concentration camp, where he will be force fed good old American McDonalds 24/7 until his stomach explodes. All of his body fat will then be removed and turned into soap, which will be used to wash the Statue of Liberty's ass, and the rest of him will be dropped on an village of the Iraqi shitheads that he loves so much. Submitted by B. Harmon

Submitted 11/29/04

	Every asshole who sucks at dancing, but dances anyways will have their legs broken by governmentally trained squads of hormonally enhanced gorillas. Submitted by Joe from Indiana
	Submitted 11/29/04

	Anyone who steals Republican/Libertarian signs and/or vandalizes the property of such patriots who have the balls to display them in highly democratic neighborhoods should have their pupils cauterized with a cigarette lighter and then have their fingertips sawed off. Next, they shall be immediately castrated so as to never reproduce and spawn more illiterate, facist bastards. Submitted by Dan
	Submitted 11/29/04

	Marketing people that show footage from a film's climax IN THE TRAILER shall have their reproductive organs removed using scalpels from the bio-hazard bin. Submitted by A Fucking Writer
	Submitted 11/29/04

At least once or twice a year, all high school students must be sat down and kicked directly in the face. Students will be forced to sit down lining the hallways of the high school while the biggest and ugliest janitor and/or lunchlady yells the student's most annoying faults like, "Yes you look fat in those pants so stop asking everybody you vain slut!", "Just because you play football doesn't mean you don't have a tiny pecker!", or "Stop playing Final Fantasy XXXIIIV and talk to somebody you anti-social twat!", and proceeds to kick them right in the teeth. Everybody needs a sturdy kick once in a while to make them pay attention a little more. Submitted by J. Sprenkle

Submitted 11/29/04

Members of bands that play whiny songs should be hung by their ankles and terminated through swift kicks in the teeth, delivered by none other than Mr. T., who is the essence of all things manly and not the essence all things weak and bitchy. Linkin Park should be the first to fall prey to this law; as they often assume the guise of being hardcore. Being whiny is bad. Being a whiny liar is worse and should be a punishable offence. Submitted by M. Bush

Submitted 10/10/04

The producers of every rehashed, unimaginative reality show involving marriage, money or deception should be corralled onto an island and each handed a sharpened wooden stick. They should then be told that whoever is alive at the end of a week gets to split 10 billion dollars amongst themselves. A week later when there is only one greedy, murderous son of a bitch left, we tell him that it was all a scam and there was no money, but if he wants to marry a dirt stupid construction worker, he can go right ahead.

Submitted 10/10/04

	Pretty boys who have the goatees and chin strap facial hair that is so immaculately trimmed it looks like it was penciled on should be tossed into a jail cell with Rico, the 300 lb illegal alien rapist. If they are going to primp themselves like bitches, they ought to get treated like bitches.
	Submitted 9/29/04

	If a person speaks against our soldiers in Iraq, they shall be sent over to the frontlines armed only with their protest signs and armored only with the thin layer of dried semen of their gay lovers. Submitted by Aaron
	Submitted 9/29/04

Those who apply for any government ID (driver's license, passport, etc.) should then have to undergo a lengthy intelligence exam. If they fail, they will be immediately enrolled into a Dumbshit Concentration Camp where they will make macaroni necklaces, color between the lines, construct gingerbread houses and engage in other activities for which they are intellectually qualified. Upon “graduation” they will be lined up aside the other intelligence exam failures and shot in the crotch by cannons loaded with frozen watermelons. Bye bye, testies/ovaries. See if you can find the shallow end of the gene pool after this is. Submitted by M. Walters

Submitted 9/29/04

	Anyone who backs an argument with a statement that begins with, "but the Bible says…" will be forced to recite scripture while banging a choir boy in the ass. If people want to spit rhetoric like preachers or priests, then they have to act the part as well. That’s right. Tell me all about what the Bible says while you cornhole little Johnny here, dickhead. Submitted by DigitalMartian
	Submitted 9/29/04

All tree huggers, dirty hippies, PETA activists, and UC Berkley students (often times there is little distinction between these groups) should be thrown on an oil tanker, sprayed with crude oil, lit on fire, and then set to full throttle in the direction of the closest rainforest. With any luck, they will disrupt the fragile ecosystem of a few endangered whales before vaporizing several dozen acres of costal rainforest. Submitted by J. V.

Submitted 9/29/04

	Elitist vegans and uppity vegetarians should be tied naked to the far end of a batting cage with their mouths propped open while the dirty, crackhead pitching cage attendant feeds balls of raw ground beef into the pitching machine. The strike zone is the mouth and anything else is a ball. Remember, kiddies, nine innings in a game. That means 81 strikes before it’s all said and done.
	Submitted 8/30/04

The next white suburban kid that mods his car with shitty car mods bought from the professional body shop known as Wal-Mart, and listens to 50 Cent thinking he's a hardass, will get his cock and balls chopped off with a spoiler. Then he gets a first hand account of real oncoming racers bearing down on him at 200 Mph in the middle of a race track. If he loves it so much, he can experience it first hand. His remains will then be fed to pigs, the pigs, the pig shit, and the workers handling them will all be incinerated for good measure. Submitted by E. Faust

Submitted 8/30/04

	Any woman who thinks it is acceptable to make reference to her menstrual cycle in casual conversation should be forced to watch my uncle Leo undergo his fourth hemorrhoid surgery. She will be required to eat bread pudding while seated not 5 feet away from the action. She can use this time to contemplate what is/isn’t acceptable for everyday conversations. Submitted by Joe P. from Pennsylvania
	Submitted 8/30/04

	All women will be required to buy cars shorter (in height) than they are. This should limit the number of stupid soccer moms that 'need' a three-ton SUV to haul their groceries home and their brats to little league practice. Minivans were made for a reason, bitch. Deal with it. Anonymously submitted, Nashville TN
	Submitted 8/30/04

	Anarchists should be given a one-way ticket to a chaotic African nation of their choice, armed only with their pseudo-rebellious political views. Submitted by "drussey"
	Submitted 8/17/04

	Any adult male or female who allows their child(ren) to throw a shit-fit in any public place without removing them should be immediately de-pantsed within the establishment. Their child(ren) will then be given leather whips and encouraged to take all their pent-up frustration from having pussies for parents out on their own daddy or mommy's candy ass. Submitted by C. Makings
	Submitted 8/17/04

	Every tenth consumer who leaves an Abercrombie and Fitch store with a purchased item should be kidnapped, stripped naked and tied up spread eagle on a large open field. The US military would then practice carpet bombing techniques from high altitudes with the A&F consumer as the target. They would not use conventional bombs, but instead large quantities of pink dildos.
	Submitted 7/18/04

	People who think that coffee cans make Hondas faster should have their cars impounded and their engines replaced with espresso machines. Zero to espresso in 30 seconds. Submitted by Hillarity Cittlin
	Submitted 7/18/04

In order to make a genuine attempt at creating a society free of racism, we must get rid of those who perpetuate it. Any separatist who labels himself as being from a different country or continent (African American, Asian American, Mexican American, etc) will be given a one way flight to that destination—fee of charge, of course. I don’t know how they got lost and ended up in America, but it’s time we get them back to where they belong (according to them). Labeling oneself as different and then bitching about being treated differently isn't helping anything. Have a nice flight, assholes! Submitted by Ed Mitchell

Submitted 7/18/04

	I say, anyone who enjoys Dr. Phil, or watches it should be kicked in the groin by an angry mule twice a day every day for the rest of their lives. Why? Simply because if they are dumb enough to need someone else to tell them something that is common fucking sense they sure as hell shouldn't be having children, or even considering it. Submitted by Josiah Butterfield
	Submitted 7/18/04

	Anyone who owns a car which has the make/model of the car decaled on the windshield should also have the word "Asshole" or "Douchebag" tattooed on their forehead. Consistency, people, consistency. Submitted by P. DeGrazia
	Submitted 7/18/04

	People who get Asian symbol tattoos of a risqué nature should be forced to have them replaced with "I’m such a pussy I couldn't cuss on my own skin in English." Submitted by C. Dolan from Los Angeles
	Submitted 5/21/04

	Chris Rock’s “Bigger and Blacker” should be a mandatory social studies class in junior high school.
	Submitted 5/21/04

Anyone who purposely takes up more than one parking spot because they don't want to get their shiny new car touched or backs up traffic while driving slow in the fast lane should immediately be ripped from their vehicle, caned and then beaten to death with clubs on film. Everyone who applies for a drivers license should have to watch this film before being able to get behind the wheel of a vehicle. All old people should have their licenses revoked before they fall victim to this brilliant new law. Submitted by Doug from GA

Submitted 5/21/04

Morbidly obese people can no longer have handicapped parking places. Now their parking is in the farthest reaches of the lot. It’s an incentive plan. You want food? Walk your tubby ass down from the next county and get your precious trans-fatty goodness. Besides, people with real handicaps need those spots. You made yourself the tub-o-lard now reap the consequences. Submitted by the Angry Orcs at www.angryorcs.com

Submitted 3/27/04

	Carson Daily should only be allowed to speak into hand-held microphones that are shaped and colored like penises.
	Submitted 3/27/04

Anyone who adds “izzle,” “shizzle,” or “fizzle” to the end of a word in order to be perceived as “from the streets” should immediately be evicted from their current residence and forcibly relocated to government housing in one of the following areas: South Central, L.A., Del Ray, Detroit, or East St. Louis, Illinois—areas where their apparent street smarts and hard core attitude are more likely to be appreciated.

Submitted 3/3/04

	Women who get any type of augmentative plastic surgery should never, ever, EVER be able to sue for sexual harassment. They forfeit their right to bitch about gaping men when they decide they need ninety-six cubic inches of fake tit added to their chest.
	Submitted 3/3/04

	Those driven so wholly by the whim of social nuance that they're willing to take orders from that limey fuck on American Idol are to be sold to South African H.I.V. patients as fuck-slaves. Their lives will finally have worth as they sate the sodomic appetites of men who would otherwise cause more needless death to get their rocks off. Submitted by C. Dolan
	Submitted 1/22/04

	Vegetarians who say that they don’t eat meat because humans weren’t meant to eat meat should have their incisors removed using no anesthetic because humans weren’t meant to have anesthetic either.
	Submitted 1/22/04

	The tortured-artist-types that frequent Starbucks to sip espressos while reading over the latest draft of their manuscripts should have their eyes dislodged from their heads and then undergo a surgical procedure to lengthen the optic nerve to the point that their eyes could then be jammed up their asses so they could actually see how full of shit they really are. Submitted by C. R. Simon
	Submitted 1/22/04

	Girls who meet guys in a bar and make them listen to hours worth of pointless babbling without even intending to compensate them with a token hand job should be suspended in mid air by nipple clamps and lectured on sexual ethics by a belligerently drunk Andrew Dice Clay.
	Submitted 12/30/03

	People who get into verbal altercations and use clichéd lines like, “is that a threat?” should be informed that they are not on the set of Law and Order immediately prior to being severely beaten by a herd of midget lesbians.
	Submitted 12/30/03

	Guys who wear shell necklaces should have them ripped from their necks and boot-stomped directly up their pee-holes.
	Submitted 12/30/03